Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
