I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
