He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
