You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
