why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
