I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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