you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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