I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
