i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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