how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
