I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
