Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
