we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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