i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
