I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
