My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
