How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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