I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
