i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
