I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
