Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
