Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
