he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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