apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
