just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
