I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
