You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
