theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
