Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
