What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
