I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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