Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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