I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they're like a gay fantastic four
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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