??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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