There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
