Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
