I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
