So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
