my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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