Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
