Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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