Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
