what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
