Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
