You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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