my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
