Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
