this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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