Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
