Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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