how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
